Bring On The Rain

Im not gonna let it get me down and im not gonna cry coz tomorrows another day …. The song “ bring on the rain” isnt exactly a favourite for any feel good reason, but damn, its one I sure can relate too. Im still feeling so god damn tired of everything. Its for a while like everything needs a huge shake up, but just where to start ~ Keep telling myself ~I need to start with myself and make the changes that are within my control. Get off my lazy ass and do something about it … I want to be nearer to my family, I feel so out the loop, I just get to hear all the crazy rotten stuff thats going on and one feel so helpless to help and two I don't hear or experience the good stuff. I miss just hanging out and talking, I almost feel like lve forgotten how to do that, you know just hang out and have a conversation about nothing of any importance. Everything in life has just become so serious I feel like the years are just running away and im just plodding, im not sure how exactly I got to be here. A single mum with no job, a house that's falling apart no money to fix it, scared to go out alone at night so I end up sitting in doors 2 nights a week on my own, Every year I say im going to learn to drive, Its not that I dont want too but what's the point in driving when I couldn't afford to run a car? See its the negative thinking that stops me from doing anything! START SMALL MARIA ~ Just learn to work the fecking DVD remote!

Its just the last few years this negative thinking has crept in more and more, dont get me wrong ive always been able to talk my self out of just about any situation, but once upon a time I believed in myself, I had dreams I was happy with my lot. I love it when the kids are home, and its me and them I have a purpose . Ive joined so many groups but just dont stick at them An old friend comment on my FB status that maybe my problem was a I needed a good man ~ does make me wonder where they all are. I wanted to just stumble upon mine by chance, didn't really wanna have to look, Im not in any real hurry .. im just not enjoying my own company at all any more, even my cats would rather sleep than hang out on my lap. At times its lonley. I want to break from the computer, That should be easy .. should ..

I need a job, but what job realistically can I get a job without qualifications. Do I wanna study? I really dont. But I need a job.

I want to be able to get to my family. But do I really want to move back home? No .. I wouldn't be able to leave behind what I have here. I need a job so I can afford to lean to drive or get a yearly travel pass.

I want to move .I toy with this so much, this house holds some of my most wonderful memories, but its too small, I would love a fresh start some place, .. Cornwall, Devon, Dorset, Wales, Ireland …

Im so unhappy with my weight .. still so unhappy with my weight.

My babies are all growing up so fast and they are all winning new battles everyday, They make me so very proud, but I worry so much that im loosing touch with whats going on with them ... am I making the best choices in life for myself and for them, am i letting them down by not pushing myself to better places, How do I push them and encourage them to strive to be better people when im just about keeping aflot my self .. because thats how it feels like im just keeping my head above the the water and if I cry im gonna sink ...

and them im tired .... and it all feels like one big circles that never ends with very little fun init ... very little time to escape and just be care free for a few hours, ..

I know things need to change, I know I need to take some small baby steps in making them better. Tomorrow is another day and i am all dried up of the way things are going .. Im thirsty for new and better things ... and if I let this tomrrow rain away .. there is always the next, Im not going to loose sleep tonight .. Im just working on a better me.

                                                                  I need a holiday!

Another blog post that turned into a grip and whine ..

UB40 Higher Ground 1993

One of my favourite songs .. of such a carefree time, brings back many memories of summers down in cornwall and an old forgotten friends ..

Queen-Don't Stop Me Now

All time feel good song ... Ive loved this for a lot of years! for no real reason other than i think its fab! ..

Amie Comeaux - Moving Out

 I do love a bit if country … I was raised listening to good old Dolly and Kenny R, My sisters and I would do island in the stream to our hair brushes in the back of the car or down the stairs of our home … I think I was about 16 when I heard and played this song to one of my best friends Louise … It was just made for “us” back in the day when all that mattered was where the next parties was, We hung around with a group of people of such a vast age range, Kay and Emma were the first to get a place of their own, they rented a little flat above the butchers and that was mine and Lou's dream, She was on her way to getting driving lessons and a car and well I had all the music anyone could ever want back then, it was my goal to have every album that woollies ever brought out and a pretty funky Wog box to play it on lol … ayyy back when it was all about phone calls music, parties and boys … still very little responsibility

Loreena McKennitt - The old ways

I seem to flagging a little with everything, My 365 that I started for little C just has come to a stand still I managed a month. My year in pictures that I started for my self didn't even make that . There are just so much that I want to write about, but I never seem to have the words to get the feeling from my head and onto blog.

So I thought I would uploading some of my favourite music ~ I love all most all music, There really is little I dont like,There are lots of pices of music that I can use to relate to my family and friends, sometimes its whole songs at other times just certain lines in the lyrics & the way they are sung can touch so deep with meaning. I just adore this Loreena Mckennit song, Its kinda where I feel im at with big C, It reminds me that shes her own person and not a mini me, that she is her own person, she see through her own eyes not mine and she craves the opportunity to be individual to be her self, to detach from ME, She lives in a world I dont understand. Ive stood many times at the seas edge and watched her, her mood totally dependent on the day, Sometimes in the sun everything sparkles and in the wind the sand and sea matt our hair, …. Sometimes shes happy, she'll smile and giggle and bits of the little girl that I know shines through, flashes of the 7 year old little C of the 4 year olf of the 2 and new born come through .. but the old ways are lost, ive enjoyed them, I remember them but they have past … Now more often she is angry, not really wanting to be with me, but not wanting to be any other place either, Being on the beach is one of my favourite places to be with the children, my most precious memories have been had on the sand … I look at my growing girl who has so much growing to do in just a short a time, I see the anger in her face, Hear the frustration in her voice and I know that no matter what she does how hard she pulls, no matter how much she hurts her self and me .. ill always be pulled to her,

Another song that takes me straight to her is ... I sware ..... I would play this to my belly when I was pregnant with her ...

 

I Swear
All-4-1 

from "All-4-1"
I swear by the moon and the stars in the sky
And I swear like the shadow that's by your side
I see the questions in your eyes
I know what's weighing on your mind
You can be sure I know my heart

`Coz I'll stand beside you through the years
You'll only cry those happy tears
And though I make mistakes
I'll never break your heart
And I swear, by the moon and the stars in the sky
I'll be there
I swear, like a shadow that's by your side
I'll be there
For better or worse, till death do us part
I'll love you with every beat of my heart
And I swear
I'll give you every thing I can
I'll build your dreams with these two hands
We'll hang some memories on the walls
And when just the two of us are there
You won't have to ask if I still care
`Coz as the time turns the page, my love won't age at all
And I swear by the moon and the stars in the sky
I swear (and I swear) like the shadow that's by your side
I'll be there
For better or worse, till death do us part
I'll love you with every beat of my heart
And I swear
I swear (I swear) by the moon and stars in the sky
I'll be there
I swear like the shadow that's by your side
I'll be there
For better or worse, till death do us part
I'll love you with every (single) beat of my heart
I swear, I swear,
Oh... I ... swear...