Bring On The Rain

Im not gonna let it get me down and im not gonna cry coz tomorrows another day …. The song “ bring on the rain” isnt exactly a favourite for any feel good reason, but damn, its one I sure can relate too. Im still feeling so god damn tired of everything. Its for a while like everything needs a huge shake up, but just where to start ~ Keep telling myself ~I need to start with myself and make the changes that are within my control. Get off my lazy ass and do something about it … I want to be nearer to my family, I feel so out the loop, I just get to hear all the crazy rotten stuff thats going on and one feel so helpless to help and two I don't hear or experience the good stuff. I miss just hanging out and talking, I almost feel like lve forgotten how to do that, you know just hang out and have a conversation about nothing of any importance. Everything in life has just become so serious I feel like the years are just running away and im just plodding, im not sure how exactly I got to be here. A single mum with no job, a house that's falling apart no money to fix it, scared to go out alone at night so I end up sitting in doors 2 nights a week on my own, Every year I say im going to learn to drive, Its not that I dont want too but what's the point in driving when I couldn't afford to run a car? See its the negative thinking that stops me from doing anything! START SMALL MARIA ~ Just learn to work the fecking DVD remote!

Its just the last few years this negative thinking has crept in more and more, dont get me wrong ive always been able to talk my self out of just about any situation, but once upon a time I believed in myself, I had dreams I was happy with my lot. I love it when the kids are home, and its me and them I have a purpose . Ive joined so many groups but just dont stick at them An old friend comment on my FB status that maybe my problem was a I needed a good man ~ does make me wonder where they all are. I wanted to just stumble upon mine by chance, didn't really wanna have to look, Im not in any real hurry .. im just not enjoying my own company at all any more, even my cats would rather sleep than hang out on my lap. At times its lonley. I want to break from the computer, That should be easy .. should ..

I need a job, but what job realistically can I get a job without qualifications. Do I wanna study? I really dont. But I need a job.

I want to be able to get to my family. But do I really want to move back home? No .. I wouldn't be able to leave behind what I have here. I need a job so I can afford to lean to drive or get a yearly travel pass.

I want to move .I toy with this so much, this house holds some of my most wonderful memories, but its too small, I would love a fresh start some place, .. Cornwall, Devon, Dorset, Wales, Ireland …

Im so unhappy with my weight .. still so unhappy with my weight.

My babies are all growing up so fast and they are all winning new battles everyday, They make me so very proud, but I worry so much that im loosing touch with whats going on with them ... am I making the best choices in life for myself and for them, am i letting them down by not pushing myself to better places, How do I push them and encourage them to strive to be better people when im just about keeping aflot my self .. because thats how it feels like im just keeping my head above the the water and if I cry im gonna sink ...

and them im tired .... and it all feels like one big circles that never ends with very little fun init ... very little time to escape and just be care free for a few hours, ..

I know things need to change, I know I need to take some small baby steps in making them better. Tomorrow is another day and i am all dried up of the way things are going .. Im thirsty for new and better things ... and if I let this tomrrow rain away .. there is always the next, Im not going to loose sleep tonight .. Im just working on a better me.

                                                                  I need a holiday!

Another blog post that turned into a grip and whine ..